Epic News Fail

I hate local news. Therefore, I love it when they do stupid things.

I give you Twittergate.

Aaaand, This Week's Sign the Apocalypse is Upon Us

Florida man claims he's too fat to have murdered his son-in-law.

This Just In: New Biography Confirms High Correlation Between Mullet-Sporting Athletes and Crystal Meth Use

I kinda wonder why everyone is so surprised that someone who rocked a mullet for a decade smoked crystal meth. Really America? REALLY?!?

News story here.

And glorious mulletude schmeah & myeah.

It's a *BLEEPING* Powermat

This is a great commercial that I saw awhile back, but couldn't find on the interwebs.



What's funny is this is the TV version. The actors are actually saying "bleeping" if you go to their website.

Also, haven't tried this product yet, but it looks amazing.

HI-larious

Remember the Balloon Boy? I bet this will get your goat.

Some Epic Reverse Photo Bomb Moments

Go here.

Drunkest Customer EVER!

Beware, this is pants-urinatingly good (I know b/c the video tells me it is).

Try It Some Time

Watching Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay on mute is pretty effing hilarious. I highly recommend it.

Oh, HELL YEAH!!!

Great NFL plays of 2009 "Tecmo-ized"

Click here.

Aaaand Blogging Comes With a Price

While I typed my most recent post, I accidentally did not pause my video game, NCAA 2010. It's now 1st and 65 on account of the delay of game penalties.

The Perfect Storm?

Just made myself a huge-ass plate of chicken and veggies (cauliflower and broccoli). I already had gas before I started eating. This will not end well...

Iiiiiiiiiiii'mmmmmmmmm BAaaaaaaaccckkk!!!!

So, a lot has happened since my last post. I went off to OCS to become an officer in the United States Marine Corps. Well, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. I graduated and accepted my commission on August 8, 2009. That leaves me with one more year of law school, then I have to take and pass any state bar (leaning towards: GA, AL, VA, or TN right now). Once I'm licensed to practice law, then I ship back up to Quantico, VA off to The Basic School (TBS) for 6 months of officer training. I will be there with all the other Military Occupational Specialties (MOS). Then, I ship up to the Naval Justice School in Newport, RI.

Back to OCS. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever done. Everyone always asks, "why was it so hard? what was the hardest part?" etc. Well, there really was no one thing that I can point to. I prepared myself pretty well physically, so that wasn't the hard part. The classes weren't too hard, the tests were written on a high school level (allegedly). Being away from home and doing what you're told 24/7 for 10 weeks sucked, but was bearable. Getting yelled at, yelling back and strictly adhering to your superior's orders was tough (voice was gone w/in three days and didn't come back til week 6). But the coup de grace was most likely the sleep deprivation. I averaged probably 3.5 - 4 hrs a night...FOR 10 FREAKING WEEKS!!! Yes, I do not exaggerate. There were certainly nights where I slept 6 - 7 hrs (never 8 though, that'd be ridiculous). And on liberty I'd book a hotel with my rackmate Ricky Benning from Texas A&M and we'd sleep 10 - 12 hrs on a Saturday night. But for the most part, there was somewhere around 2-5 hrs every night for weeks and weeks on end. Everyone gets what's called "The Candidate Crud" for the first 4-6 weeks. Everyone is coughing, sniffling, sneezing, our voices are gone, you have a pounding headache for the first three weeks from yelling at the top of your lungs. You're pretty much broken down in every way possible. The idea is to strip you down to your core, your bare bones self and see if you have the fortitude it takes to succeed as a United States Marine Corps officer. So, while it absolutely sucked to go through it, I'm proud I finished. I'm proud to call myself a Marine.

Shipping Off Tomorrow Morning

So, many of you already know, but many of you may not, I am shipping off to Officer Candidate School for the United States Marine Corps in the morning. This is my last blog until I return after August 8, 2009. My goal is to become a 2nd Lieutenant in the Marines and become a Judge Advocate General. Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

Sweet videos of what I'll be doing.


Official webpage of OCS.

Small Bladder? No Problem.

As anyone who has been to a bar with me can tell you, I frequently visit the bathroom, far more than mere mortal men.

Now there is a website devoted to combating, or rather alleviating, this problem so many face.

It's a website devoted to telling you when you can pee during a movie and miss as little as possible:

http://runpee.com/

Could Be the Weirdest Thing I've Ever Read

"Miracle Mike," as they called him, was a chicken whose head was chopped off and SURVIVED! for 18 months without a head. Now there's a festival in Colorado in his honor and everything. Ridic.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #51

Bringing the laptop into the bathroom will result in your legs/feet falling asleep.

Latest Bailout Request

Thanks to Greg Mankiw for the pointer.

Public Service Announcement

Please, please read this. You all need to pee your pants today, don't you?

From Cracked.com:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/flipping-out-in-a-kentucky-fried-chicken/

New Websites I've Been Checking Out Lately

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

http://imsobadatsex.com/

http://www.fmylife.com/

textsfromlastnight has been my fav. best entry yet:

(212): dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
(1-212): idk but i think it had a face

ATM Skimmers: How to Identify One

I rarely delve into consumer protection, but this article struck me as relevant and important. I was a victim of credit card fraud in August 2008 (not at issue in this article, but still) and it's been a pain in the ass dealing with it even today.

The article talks about ATM Card Skimmers. It has pictures and everything.

So, here it is.

http://consumerist.com/5218680/heres-what-a-card-skimmer-looks-like-on-an-atm?skyline=true&s=i

Immutable Rule of the Universe #200

Facebooking and other ancillary/superfluous internet activity increases geometrically as time til finals approaches zero.

Okay, Okay, Okay

I can barely type this I'm laughing so effing hard. Sorry if I over-bill this vid, but GAHDDAMN!

I can't tell what's the best part:

1.) The breathing is obvious and hilarious.
2.) The headphones so he can presumably "psych himself up" as a weightlifter/runner would do is subtle and clearly unintentionally funny.
3.) The fact that he washes it all down with a Smirnoff Ice Wild Grape at 4 mins. 22 secs.


Be sure to turn your volume up. This one's for you Jwayne. 40 COUNT!!!

The United State of Texas?

So, the Texas Governor supports breaking away from the Union. I say, "let'em." Obviously, all federal funding will cease to the newly formed nation -- Texania(?), but we should maintain liberal trade policies and open borders with the new nation. As we learned in International Law this summer -- from the esteemed Prof. John Hopkins of Downing College at Cambridge University, Cambridge, U.K. -- when one group of people want to break away from another group, it's best to let them do that (e.g. India from England, U.S. from England, East Timor from Indonesia). Heck, the only time that pops off the top of my head that this didn't happen was the U.S. Civil War and I'm pretty sure that set our country back decades in progress and we're still dealing with the adverse effects today (See: the perverse outcomes of Affirmative Action, the insane expansion of the reach of the Federal Gov't, et al).

My suspicion is that this is all political grand-standing, however. Conservative state officials are merely saber-rattling to bring attention to the fact that they don't like the current Federal Gov't in place. It's like a stay-at-home mom telling her absent husband that she could leave, she could find someone who will pay attention to her. But that's just a threat, because she's scared to death of the prospect of having to undergo the social costs involved in finding another mate. Otherwise, she would have left him for another mate. But she knows she's not 22 anymore, so she stays with him, cuz it's still her best option. She just threatens him in hopes that he'll change, that's the best outcome for her.

The alternative argument to my thesis is this: Texans suck. They think they're so much better than everybody else. They're like people from NYC and SoCal (and not the ones that move there, the ones that are born there) except with southern accents and pick-up trucks instead of Chanel sunglasses and fake tans. Maybe they'll go through with it, and maybe they'll learn they're not so tough after all. Maybe secession will be a nice little slice of sorely needed humble pie.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #581

You will lose your ChapStick before you've used it all.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #492

Why is it that if you put a sock in the washing machine, it will inevitably come out inside out? But if you put the sock in the washing machine inside out, it will still come out inside out?

In mathematical terms:

f (sock, washing machine) = 1/sock

f (1/sock, washing machine) = 1/sock

I hate this almost as much as the little pools of water that sit on top of plastic cups when you pull them out of the dishwasher.

This is probably the most vexing problem of our generation.

Any suggestions faithful readers?

Rick Astley Blaring, Chuck Norris Hooligans

That is all the set up this needs:

Thank Me Later

You know how every once in awhile you find something on the internet that makes all the spam and pop-ups worth it b/c you found the funniest thing that ever happened on a video? I still remember finding the Grape-Stomping lady and showing everyone I knew. And who could ever forget Bubb Rubb and Lil' Sis (I literally cannot b/c my friend made me a shirt with Mr. Rubb on it)? Well, I'm pretty sure this guy Joel (not my ex-roommate, although I dearly wish this was him) is up in that echelon of internet videos.

Without further adieu:

"My name is Joel. I’m 47 married with two kids. My son is 19, my daughter 12. My wife teaches high school. I work as a reviewer of Long Term Care Facilities and other medical vendors. I like music, reading, French language, politics (left of center–but I’ll listen to any argument–got friends on the Right and the Left!). I’m not formally religious, but open and respectful of others beliefs about spiritual and philosphical matters."

Love Makes You Fat

I know, it's just a tad too late for the Valentine's Day holiday(?), but there's a new study out there showing that the stronger your relationship, the more you weigh.

Basically, the more likely you are to get divorced or terminate your relationship, the less likely you are to gain weight.

They cite to some other papers that conclude singles have more incentive to be healthy and fit in order to attract a mate.

I love economics, but this one falls in the category of "No Shit Sherlock."

Don't Piss On the Urinal Cakes

This morning I woke up on time for class. Made two fried eggs and some toast and downed approximately 24 oz. water and a hot green tea (another 10 oz.). Well, about an hour later I'm sitting in class and my bladder is screaming, but I couldn't leave because I was on-call today to answer the prof's Socratic b/s (for those that are interested the case was New Jersey v. T.L.O., 469 U.S. 325; a must-read for any would-be highschool drug dealers).

Anyway, I had to answer the firing squad questions all while I was about to piss my pants.

As soon as class was over, I b-lined it to the loo and had one of those "chipping porcelain" type of urinations. Well, I wasn't concerned enough with accuracy and started to hit the urinal cake. This refracted an un-Godly amount of piddle back in my direction and hit my pants leg. Funny thing was, I had just told my g/f and my friend that, "I had to pee so bad, I'm about to wet myself."

Luckily, no one was in there yet and so I just went into a stall and dried my leg off with some toilet paper. But let that be a lesson to all ye would-be Brett Favres of bladder-dumping. Don't just bomb it out there all willy-nilly with your willy. You must use accuracy and caution even under exigent circumstances.

Why I Run

I realized yesterday, that every step I take on these long run days gets me a step closer to being the person I want to be.

I set a personal best Saturday by running 24 miles. My previous high had been 20 miles. By the 20-mile mark I thought, "hey, every step I'm taking right now is the farthest I've ever gone at one time."

My legs are trashed and tired. I'm dehydrated like a mofo. My face is wind/sunburned. My butt developed some sort of heat rash out there that's gonna be around for days. But I'll be damned if I don't feel absolutely great about myself.

Nobody close to me has ever run that far. It doesn't jump off the top of my head if anyone I know has ever run a marathon. I guess it's kind of rare.

Okay, enough self-aggrandizing. Ooh, wait, the best part was when I went to McDonald's for my post-run meal. I got a Double Quarter-Pounder with Cheese, Large Fries, Large Powerade, and a 20 piece McNugget (for those of you that want to know, that's approximately 2380 calories; gross).

I'm making leaps and bounds towards my goal and it's still fun at this point because I'm progressing nicely. At some point, I'm going to hit a wall in my training and it will become difficult to be motivated or to find the time (I was running for around 4 hrs and 40 mins yesterday), but right now it's as exhilarating as ever.

Barring injury, I'm confident I will finish the ING Marathon in Atlanta in 6 weeks, but that's only the first big step of the journey.

Why I've Hated the NBA Since '95

A good bit of my youth was spent playing basketball. I grew up idolizing the Celtics of the 80s. Their style of team play, hustling on defense, and selflessness defined how I understood to play the game. (A funny anecdote: when I moved to Georgia and played basketball my teammates would look at me funny because I'd set picks--get this--away from the ball! They didn't know why I was cluttering around them. Dumbasses didn't know to move and create space. They just let the point dribble, drive, shoot and then they'd crash the boards. Lame.)

During the 90s a shift happened. A shift I've always blamed on Michael Jordan. Yes, he was a tenacious competitor, a tremendous defender, and went for the kill better than anybody in sports in my lifetime. I respected Jordan, but his skill level allowed him to individually dominate games whenever he wanted. Something everyone else can only dream about.

Ball players of my generation grew up watching and aspiring to achieve that level of greatness. The problem came when nobody could duplicate his style and skill level. How many times have broadcasters and anchors coined somebody as "The Next Jordan?" There will never be another player like Jordan and I wish we'd stop searching. Enter Kobe and LeBron. Both are incredible athletes, but they have their own style of play. Let's let them be who they are, because they're doing a damn fine job at that.

Now, what really irks me is the discussion we've been hearing on SportsCenter and sports talk radio shows today. "Who rocked Madison Square Garden more this week?" Who cares? Why has this league become all about individuals? There's no question the NBA has been losing ground in America's consciousness, and I really think we hate the shift from a team game to individual competion. Not only has the game centered around individual match-ups, now it's about individuals that aren't even playing against one another. Lame.

I'm not suggesting all teams pattern their play after San Antonio. Most fans don't/can't appreciate their style of play. The Spurs are the basketball equivalent of Ambien. But, my hypothesis is that if every franchise played more team basketball, we'd see better competitions. And maybe we'd start watching again.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #107

Every time Jaws comes on t.v. I cannot not watch it.

Subsection (a): Whilst watching, I daydream and aspire to be nothing more than a drunken New England fisherman.

It's Time For the Cardinals' SB Drought to End

I will channel all the positive ju-ju I can muster this evening for the Cardinals. I have always liked Kurt Warner and they are huge underdogs. In the last 22 Super Bowls where the point spread has been 7 pts. or greater, the favorite has covered (not just won) 17 of those times.

Now, point spreads are just a strategy of Vegas to induce equal betting on both sides. So, it merely takes the temerature of the betting public and creates a spread out of that public sentiment. I think the Cards are highly underrated and 7 pts. is too high. They are hot and there is no stopping Fitzgerald.

And I must say Ben Roethlisberger, while a decent human and quarterback, is the most over-rated player in the National Football League. They can win with him b/c their defense is insanely good. They will shut down any type of rushing attack the Cardinals can must and it will be all on Kurt Warner's arm and Fitzgerald's ability to torch the secondary of Pittsburgh.

Let's not forget the Cardinals defense that has come out of f-king nowhere to be slightly dominant in the playoffs. Third down defense has been spectacular and Roethlisberger is good pretty much only when the pressure is on. Third downs when Cards' D is on the field will decide the game (save for turnovers of course), and they will win that battle.

All bets are off if Fitzgerald/Warner goes down early with an injury. They cannot win without those guys. Pittsburgh on the other hand could win with any number of key players getting knocked out. They are the better team/more sure bet, hence the 7 pt. favorite. But I'm saying the football gods smile on us today and give us a very exciting game.

I'm picking the Cards to win.

|Cardinals| 24
|Steelers| 20

Sorry, It's Official: My Life Rules

This whole economic meltdown thing has been worrying me for awhile (my IRA account lost 20% of its value from Dec. '07 - Dec. '08; luckily I'm only 27), not least of all b/c I have to find a lawyerin' job for this summer pretty soon, and, well, for the rest of my life 18 months from now. Prospects are bleak. Even top-tier students are having a difficult time, so where does that put a mediocre chap like me? Crapsville.

But, it doesn't really bother me right now. I chalk it up to my latest hobby/obsession. My calm has been enhanced. I mean, I still worry. I'm not apathetic to the situation, but it doesn't destroy me from the inside out. Ever since I was 19 years old, I started pushing to do well in school all with the eye toward getting into a good law school. Then landing a top corporate law firm position.

My LSAT score completely changed the likelihood of that plan manifesting itself. And now my grades in law school have all but put the nail in the coffin of that "dream." It's forced me to think about it (and I very well could just be justifying it to myself so I don't feel like a failure), but I'm not sure I wanted an 80 hr. per week job anyway. Yes, the money would be fantastic, and I appreciate the finer things in life, but I'm happiest when my life is simple. The salaries for those positions are high precisely because the lifestyle required to fulfill that position is utterly horrendous. Not to mention, I've effectively been weeded out of obtaining such a job. My skills lay elsewhere. I probably would struggle in a high-stress job for a lifetime. Eff that.

I feel the most fulfilled when my life is simple and I can apply 100% of myself to something. I'm on that track now. It's simple and I'm giving everything I have towards a goal. I'm happy.*





*Well, there are some snags. Like today for example, I was putting the dishes away and I realized: I absolutely hate how the water sits on top of plastic cups in the dishwasher, so you have to dry each and every one before you stack them and put them away. In a house of 4 dudes that has company nearly every day, we use plastic cups a lot. Drives me bonkers.

Now I Know Why Children Cry When They Drop Their Ice Cream On the Ground

Man, I haven't been to Smoothie King since December. Mind you, it's not that I haven't tried, but they apparently keep banker's hours here in Oxford. Not to mention it's been cold as balls lately. Anyway, I finally get the chance and order a large (40 oz.) Power Punch Plus with the joint and tissue repair enhancer.

I was talking to my dad on the phone during the car ride home and had only one hand to get my stuff out of my car. So I reach out/up and put the smoothie on top of my vehicle. I grabbed my wallet, keys, straw wrapper, copy of Breaking Dawn and got out of the car. When I stepped out of the vehicle my man-girth shifted it enough to send the smoothie raining down on me and the ground. I was stunned like I had just been shot and watched as the sweet, delicious nectar spilled onto the pavement.

"MOFO!" I exclaimed, "I just dropped my smoothie!"

R.C. replied, "awe man, I feel responsible."

And it struck me like a punch to the urethral sphincter, "THAT'S MY ICE CREAM!"

If the sales lady at the open house next to ours hadn't been out there on her smoke break, I don't know that I could have choked back my emotions. I probably would have cried like a little kid who over-zealously licked his double scoop of mint chocolate chip sending it to its fiery death on the volcanic asphalt.

So, next time I see a tot commit such lacticide, I won't say, "don't worry little buddy, it's just ice cream." I'll tell him, "I know buddy, I know it hurts. It's okay to cry. Cry away."

Some Freaky Shit Is About To Go "Down" At 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Yeah, we've all heard the comparisons of Barrack Obama to past presidents. Perhaps the most apt was Slate.com's piece comparing Obama to JFK.

I say that mostly based on the fisting Barrack and Michelle do quite frequently.

I have video evidence of course.

Man With 3" Long Eyebrows Trims Them For Charity

Yes, I said, "a dude with 3-inch long eyebrows agreed to trim them for charity."

I mean, how do you get to that point? What point you ask? The point where they are so long that people are willing to donate $1,600 to charity to trim them off for you! He has a wife, family, friends, a business. How in the hell did they not do something about this earlier?

One of my parents' favorite past-times is when the light strikes my father's dome just right and my mother plucks his unwieldy earlobe hairs. Heck, my roommate, my lady caller, and I used to take turns shaving my other roommate's back hair about once every 3 weeks or so. Sure, we treated it with as much disdain ("nuh-uh, I did it two weeks ago; it's somebody else's turn!") as cleaning out the schmeg that collects in your shower drain. But if you let that pile up it's only going to be worse.

I wonder how many people would donate $1,600 to not clean out my girlfriend's shower drain? She sheds more than a Border Collie with an anxiety disorder an aging 80s butt-rocker with a meth problem.

Anti-Theft Devices . . . FOR YOUR CHILD!!!

Yeah, you read right. Go here.

Wild, crazy, wild, wacky, stuff.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #6

People that are fat and/or lazy always seem to feel the need to establish that he/she is more enlightened than you with respect to fitness and exercise.

What do I say? The proof is in the pudge.

Update: A new study out last summer shows that running slows the aging process.

Pointer here from Dean Karnazes.

Sorry I Haven't Written To All You Faithful Readers In So Long

My latest obsession has been taking time, but that is no excuse. So here goes, I recently read a bio book (Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All Night Runner) about Dean Karnazes the ultra-marathoner. Needless to say it was pretty inspiring. As no stranger to endurance sports, I began running again, a lot. It's only been about a month since I started back hard core and I'm doing base training so the speed is snail-ish, but I'm making great gains and have continuously achieved personal bests for distance so far (ran 20 miles on a trail run this past Saturday in 4 hours; burned 4077 calories).

In addition to my new hobby, I have been dieting 3 days per week eating a low-calorie intake. This has worked pretty well with the exercise plan and I have lost around 13-15 lbs in just a month.

I will keep pushing my body to get leaner and leaner as this will be easier on my frame for the ridiculous distances and long hours of pounding my body is about to take. I plan on running the ING Marathon in Atlanta on March 29th this year and my goal in the next 12 mos. is to finish an ultra-marathon of 50 miles or more. I also wish to complete a century ride (100 miles) on my road bike this year.

What makes me think I'm cut out for this type of insanity? To be honest, I think I was born for it: I'm patient, diligent, and actually enjoy pushing myself to the limit (it's the only time I feel truly at peace with myself, when I'm moving forward). One side of my family has a history of obesity and the other side has a history of mental instability. Couple those two things together and you have the makings of an ultra-endurance athlete. Why? Think about it, the natural propensity to carry fat will give me an advantage in storing energy for the ridiculously long efforts. And let's be honest, patience will carry you only so far, to finish you have to be a little messed up in the head. Best combo ever (thanks mom and dad!).

So there it is. Right now this pasttime is easy. I imagine once school kicks in full time or I tweak an ankle or knee, that's when nothing short of clinical OCD/perserverance/fortitude will help me prevail.