Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Immutable Rule of the Universe #492

Why is it that if you put a sock in the washing machine, it will inevitably come out inside out? But if you put the sock in the washing machine inside out, it will still come out inside out?

In mathematical terms:

f (sock, washing machine) = 1/sock

f (1/sock, washing machine) = 1/sock

I hate this almost as much as the little pools of water that sit on top of plastic cups when you pull them out of the dishwasher.

This is probably the most vexing problem of our generation.

Any suggestions faithful readers?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Rick Astley Blaring, Chuck Norris Hooligans

That is all the set up this needs:


Thank Me Later

You know how every once in awhile you find something on the internet that makes all the spam and pop-ups worth it b/c you found the funniest thing that ever happened on a video? I still remember finding the Grape-Stomping lady and showing everyone I knew. And who could ever forget Bubb Rubb and Lil' Sis (I literally cannot b/c my friend made me a shirt with Mr. Rubb on it)? Well, I'm pretty sure this guy Joel (not my ex-roommate, although I dearly wish this was him) is up in that echelon of internet videos.

Without further adieu:

"My name is Joel. I’m 47 married with two kids. My son is 19, my daughter 12. My wife teaches high school. I work as a reviewer of Long Term Care Facilities and other medical vendors. I like music, reading, French language, politics (left of center–but I’ll listen to any argument–got friends on the Right and the Left!). I’m not formally religious, but open and respectful of others beliefs about spiritual and philosphical matters."

Monday, February 16, 2009

Love Makes You Fat

I know, it's just a tad too late for the Valentine's Day holiday(?), but there's a new study out there showing that the stronger your relationship, the more you weigh.

Basically, the more likely you are to get divorced or terminate your relationship, the less likely you are to gain weight.

They cite to some other papers that conclude singles have more incentive to be healthy and fit in order to attract a mate.

I love economics, but this one falls in the category of "No Shit Sherlock."

Don't Piss On the Urinal Cakes

This morning I woke up on time for class. Made two fried eggs and some toast and downed approximately 24 oz. water and a hot green tea (another 10 oz.). Well, about an hour later I'm sitting in class and my bladder is screaming, but I couldn't leave because I was on-call today to answer the prof's Socratic b/s (for those that are interested the case was New Jersey v. T.L.O., 469 U.S. 325; a must-read for any would-be highschool drug dealers).

Anyway, I had to answer the firing squad questions all while I was about to piss my pants.

As soon as class was over, I b-lined it to the loo and had one of those "chipping porcelain" type of urinations. Well, I wasn't concerned enough with accuracy and started to hit the urinal cake. This refracted an un-Godly amount of piddle back in my direction and hit my pants leg. Funny thing was, I had just told my g/f and my friend that, "I had to pee so bad, I'm about to wet myself."

Luckily, no one was in there yet and so I just went into a stall and dried my leg off with some toilet paper. But let that be a lesson to all ye would-be Brett Favres of bladder-dumping. Don't just bomb it out there all willy-nilly with your willy. You must use accuracy and caution even under exigent circumstances.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Why I Run

I realized yesterday, that every step I take on these long run days gets me a step closer to being the person I want to be.

I set a personal best Saturday by running 24 miles. My previous high had been 20 miles. By the 20-mile mark I thought, "hey, every step I'm taking right now is the farthest I've ever gone at one time."

My legs are trashed and tired. I'm dehydrated like a mofo. My face is wind/sunburned. My butt developed some sort of heat rash out there that's gonna be around for days. But I'll be damned if I don't feel absolutely great about myself.

Nobody close to me has ever run that far. It doesn't jump off the top of my head if anyone I know has ever run a marathon. I guess it's kind of rare.

Okay, enough self-aggrandizing. Ooh, wait, the best part was when I went to McDonald's for my post-run meal. I got a Double Quarter-Pounder with Cheese, Large Fries, Large Powerade, and a 20 piece McNugget (for those of you that want to know, that's approximately 2380 calories; gross).

I'm making leaps and bounds towards my goal and it's still fun at this point because I'm progressing nicely. At some point, I'm going to hit a wall in my training and it will become difficult to be motivated or to find the time (I was running for around 4 hrs and 40 mins yesterday), but right now it's as exhilarating as ever.

Barring injury, I'm confident I will finish the ING Marathon in Atlanta in 6 weeks, but that's only the first big step of the journey.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Why I've Hated the NBA Since '95

A good bit of my youth was spent playing basketball. I grew up idolizing the Celtics of the 80s. Their style of team play, hustling on defense, and selflessness defined how I understood to play the game. (A funny anecdote: when I moved to Georgia and played basketball my teammates would look at me funny because I'd set picks--get this--away from the ball! They didn't know why I was cluttering around them. Dumbasses didn't know to move and create space. They just let the point dribble, drive, shoot and then they'd crash the boards. Lame.)

During the 90s a shift happened. A shift I've always blamed on Michael Jordan. Yes, he was a tenacious competitor, a tremendous defender, and went for the kill better than anybody in sports in my lifetime. I respected Jordan, but his skill level allowed him to individually dominate games whenever he wanted. Something everyone else can only dream about.

Ball players of my generation grew up watching and aspiring to achieve that level of greatness. The problem came when nobody could duplicate his style and skill level. How many times have broadcasters and anchors coined somebody as "The Next Jordan?" There will never be another player like Jordan and I wish we'd stop searching. Enter Kobe and LeBron. Both are incredible athletes, but they have their own style of play. Let's let them be who they are, because they're doing a damn fine job at that.

Now, what really irks me is the discussion we've been hearing on SportsCenter and sports talk radio shows today. "Who rocked Madison Square Garden more this week?" Who cares? Why has this league become all about individuals? There's no question the NBA has been losing ground in America's consciousness, and I really think we hate the shift from a team game to individual competion. Not only has the game centered around individual match-ups, now it's about individuals that aren't even playing against one another. Lame.

I'm not suggesting all teams pattern their play after San Antonio. Most fans don't/can't appreciate their style of play. The Spurs are the basketball equivalent of Ambien. But, my hypothesis is that if every franchise played more team basketball, we'd see better competitions. And maybe we'd start watching again.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Immutable Rule of the Universe #107

Every time Jaws comes on t.v. I cannot not watch it.

Subsection (a): Whilst watching, I daydream and aspire to be nothing more than a drunken New England fisherman.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

It's Time For the Cardinals' SB Drought to End

I will channel all the positive ju-ju I can muster this evening for the Cardinals. I have always liked Kurt Warner and they are huge underdogs. In the last 22 Super Bowls where the point spread has been 7 pts. or greater, the favorite has covered (not just won) 17 of those times.

Now, point spreads are just a strategy of Vegas to induce equal betting on both sides. So, it merely takes the temerature of the betting public and creates a spread out of that public sentiment. I think the Cards are highly underrated and 7 pts. is too high. They are hot and there is no stopping Fitzgerald.

And I must say Ben Roethlisberger, while a decent human and quarterback, is the most over-rated player in the National Football League. They can win with him b/c their defense is insanely good. They will shut down any type of rushing attack the Cardinals can must and it will be all on Kurt Warner's arm and Fitzgerald's ability to torch the secondary of Pittsburgh.

Let's not forget the Cardinals defense that has come out of f-king nowhere to be slightly dominant in the playoffs. Third down defense has been spectacular and Roethlisberger is good pretty much only when the pressure is on. Third downs when Cards' D is on the field will decide the game (save for turnovers of course), and they will win that battle.

All bets are off if Fitzgerald/Warner goes down early with an injury. They cannot win without those guys. Pittsburgh on the other hand could win with any number of key players getting knocked out. They are the better team/more sure bet, hence the 7 pt. favorite. But I'm saying the football gods smile on us today and give us a very exciting game.

I'm picking the Cards to win.

|Cardinals| 24
|Steelers| 20

Sorry, It's Official: My Life Rules

This whole economic meltdown thing has been worrying me for awhile (my IRA account lost 20% of its value from Dec. '07 - Dec. '08; luckily I'm only 27), not least of all b/c I have to find a lawyerin' job for this summer pretty soon, and, well, for the rest of my life 18 months from now. Prospects are bleak. Even top-tier students are having a difficult time, so where does that put a mediocre chap like me? Crapsville.

But, it doesn't really bother me right now. I chalk it up to my latest hobby/obsession. My calm has been enhanced. I mean, I still worry. I'm not apathetic to the situation, but it doesn't destroy me from the inside out. Ever since I was 19 years old, I started pushing to do well in school all with the eye toward getting into a good law school. Then landing a top corporate law firm position.

My LSAT score completely changed the likelihood of that plan manifesting itself. And now my grades in law school have all but put the nail in the coffin of that "dream." It's forced me to think about it (and I very well could just be justifying it to myself so I don't feel like a failure), but I'm not sure I wanted an 80 hr. per week job anyway. Yes, the money would be fantastic, and I appreciate the finer things in life, but I'm happiest when my life is simple. The salaries for those positions are high precisely because the lifestyle required to fulfill that position is utterly horrendous. Not to mention, I've effectively been weeded out of obtaining such a job. My skills lay elsewhere. I probably would struggle in a high-stress job for a lifetime. Eff that.

I feel the most fulfilled when my life is simple and I can apply 100% of myself to something. I'm on that track now. It's simple and I'm giving everything I have towards a goal. I'm happy.*

*Well, there are some snags. Like today for example, I was putting the dishes away and I realized: I absolutely hate how the water sits on top of plastic cups in the dishwasher, so you have to dry each and every one before you stack them and put them away. In a house of 4 dudes that has company nearly every day, we use plastic cups a lot. Drives me bonkers.