Friday, January 30, 2009

Now I Know Why Children Cry When They Drop Their Ice Cream On the Ground

Man, I haven't been to Smoothie King since December. Mind you, it's not that I haven't tried, but they apparently keep banker's hours here in Oxford. Not to mention it's been cold as balls lately. Anyway, I finally get the chance and order a large (40 oz.) Power Punch Plus with the joint and tissue repair enhancer.

I was talking to my dad on the phone during the car ride home and had only one hand to get my stuff out of my car. So I reach out/up and put the smoothie on top of my vehicle. I grabbed my wallet, keys, straw wrapper, copy of Breaking Dawn and got out of the car. When I stepped out of the vehicle my man-girth shifted it enough to send the smoothie raining down on me and the ground. I was stunned like I had just been shot and watched as the sweet, delicious nectar spilled onto the pavement.

"MOFO!" I exclaimed, "I just dropped my smoothie!"

R.C. replied, "awe man, I feel responsible."

And it struck me like a punch to the urethral sphincter, "THAT'S MY ICE CREAM!"

If the sales lady at the open house next to ours hadn't been out there on her smoke break, I don't know that I could have choked back my emotions. I probably would have cried like a little kid who over-zealously licked his double scoop of mint chocolate chip sending it to its fiery death on the volcanic asphalt.

So, next time I see a tot commit such lacticide, I won't say, "don't worry little buddy, it's just ice cream." I'll tell him, "I know buddy, I know it hurts. It's okay to cry. Cry away."

Monday, January 26, 2009

Some Freaky Shit Is About To Go "Down" At 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Yeah, we've all heard the comparisons of Barrack Obama to past presidents. Perhaps the most apt was's piece comparing Obama to JFK.

I say that mostly based on the fisting Barrack and Michelle do quite frequently.

I have video evidence of course.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Man With 3" Long Eyebrows Trims Them For Charity

Yes, I said, "a dude with 3-inch long eyebrows agreed to trim them for charity."

I mean, how do you get to that point? What point you ask? The point where they are so long that people are willing to donate $1,600 to charity to trim them off for you! He has a wife, family, friends, a business. How in the hell did they not do something about this earlier?

One of my parents' favorite past-times is when the light strikes my father's dome just right and my mother plucks his unwieldy earlobe hairs. Heck, my roommate, my lady caller, and I used to take turns shaving my other roommate's back hair about once every 3 weeks or so. Sure, we treated it with as much disdain ("nuh-uh, I did it two weeks ago; it's somebody else's turn!") as cleaning out the schmeg that collects in your shower drain. But if you let that pile up it's only going to be worse.

I wonder how many people would donate $1,600 to not clean out my girlfriend's shower drain? She sheds more than a Border Collie with an anxiety disorder an aging 80s butt-rocker with a meth problem.

Anti-Theft Devices . . . FOR YOUR CHILD!!!

Yeah, you read right. Go here.

Wild, crazy, wild, wacky, stuff.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #6

People that are fat and/or lazy always seem to feel the need to establish that he/she is more enlightened than you with respect to fitness and exercise.

What do I say? The proof is in the pudge.

Update: A new study out last summer shows that running slows the aging process.

Pointer here from Dean Karnazes.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Sorry I Haven't Written To All You Faithful Readers In So Long

My latest obsession has been taking time, but that is no excuse. So here goes, I recently read a bio book (Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All Night Runner) about Dean Karnazes the ultra-marathoner. Needless to say it was pretty inspiring. As no stranger to endurance sports, I began running again, a lot. It's only been about a month since I started back hard core and I'm doing base training so the speed is snail-ish, but I'm making great gains and have continuously achieved personal bests for distance so far (ran 20 miles on a trail run this past Saturday in 4 hours; burned 4077 calories).

In addition to my new hobby, I have been dieting 3 days per week eating a low-calorie intake. This has worked pretty well with the exercise plan and I have lost around 13-15 lbs in just a month.

I will keep pushing my body to get leaner and leaner as this will be easier on my frame for the ridiculous distances and long hours of pounding my body is about to take. I plan on running the ING Marathon in Atlanta on March 29th this year and my goal in the next 12 mos. is to finish an ultra-marathon of 50 miles or more. I also wish to complete a century ride (100 miles) on my road bike this year.

What makes me think I'm cut out for this type of insanity? To be honest, I think I was born for it: I'm patient, diligent, and actually enjoy pushing myself to the limit (it's the only time I feel truly at peace with myself, when I'm moving forward). One side of my family has a history of obesity and the other side has a history of mental instability. Couple those two things together and you have the makings of an ultra-endurance athlete. Why? Think about it, the natural propensity to carry fat will give me an advantage in storing energy for the ridiculously long efforts. And let's be honest, patience will carry you only so far, to finish you have to be a little messed up in the head. Best combo ever (thanks mom and dad!).

So there it is. Right now this pasttime is easy. I imagine once school kicks in full time or I tweak an ankle or knee, that's when nothing short of clinical OCD/perserverance/fortitude will help me prevail.