Fauxlemicist

Two Words: Protein-Infused Vodka

2010-04-27T18:29:00.002-05:00

Yes, there is such a thing. It's a triple-distilled vodka, 80 proof, with casein protein called "Devotion." Casein is the protein that your body absorbs slowly to prevent muscle break down (which is a condition caused by alcohol). What's that? Yes, of course the inventor/proprietor/meathead behind this is from New Jersey. Oh, and it's as classy as you think it is, "defining a new generation of vodka aficionados who devote themselves fully to everything they do in life."

Okay, so one of the words was hyphenated.

Full story here.

Man Hides Dead Roommate Under Sofa For 10 Years

2010-04-20T21:13:00.001-05:00

Silly Brits, always putting dead bodies under furniture...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/gloucestershire/8633012.stm

Epic News Fail

2009-12-01T14:29:00.002-06:00

I hate local news. Therefore, I love it when they do stupid things.

I give you Twittergate.

Aaaand, This Week's Sign the Apocalypse is Upon Us

2009-10-28T14:45:00.001-05:00

Florida man claims he's too fat to have murdered his son-in-law.

This Just In: New Biography Confirms High Correlation Between Mullet-Sporting Athletes and Crystal Meth Use

2009-10-28T08:43:00.004-05:00

I kinda wonder why everyone is so surprised that someone who rocked a mullet for a decade smoked crystal meth. Really America? REALLY?!?

News story here.

And glorious mulletude schmeah & myeah.

It's a BLEEPING Powermat

2009-10-27T10:11:00.003-05:00

This is a great commercial that I saw awhile back, but couldn't find on the interwebs.

What's funny is this is the TV version. The actors are actually saying "bleeping" if you go to their website.

Also, haven't tried this product yet, but it looks amazing.

HI-larious

2009-10-21T16:05:00.002-05:00

Remember the Balloon Boy? I bet this will get your goat.

Some Epic Reverse Photo Bomb Moments

2009-10-20T20:42:00.003-05:00

Go here.

Drunkest Customer EVER!

2009-10-20T11:41:00.002-05:00

Beware, this is pants-urinatingly good (I know b/c the video tells me it is).

Try It Some Time

2009-10-15T10:50:00.006-05:00

Watching Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay on mute is pretty effing hilarious. I highly recommend it.

Oh, HELL YEAH!!!

2009-10-14T19:54:00.002-05:00

Great NFL plays of 2009 "Tecmo-ized"

Click here.

Aaaand Blogging Comes With a Price

2009-10-14T17:41:00.001-05:00

While I typed my most recent post, I accidentally did not pause my video game, NCAA 2010. It's now 1st and 65 on account of the delay of game penalties.

The Perfect Storm?

2009-10-14T17:38:00.001-05:00

Just made myself a huge-ass plate of chicken and veggies (cauliflower and broccoli). I already had gas before I started eating. This will not end well...

Iiiiiiiiiiii'mmmmmmmmm BAaaaaaaaccckkk!!!!

2009-09-28T18:18:00.006-05:00

So, a lot has happened since my last post. I went off to OCS to become an officer in the United States Marine Corps. Well, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. I graduated and accepted my commission on August 8, 2009. That leaves me with one more year of law school, then I have to take and pass any state bar (leaning towards: GA, AL, VA, or TN right now). Once I'm licensed to practice law, then I ship back up to Quantico, VA off to The Basic School (TBS) for 6 months of officer training. I will be there with all the other Military Occupational Specialties (MOS). Then, I ship up to the Naval Justice School in Newport, RI.

Back to OCS. It was by far the hardest thing I've ever done. Everyone always asks, "why was it so hard? what was the hardest part?" etc. Well, there really was no one thing that I can point to. I prepared myself pretty well physically, so that wasn't the hard part. The classes weren't too hard, the tests were written on a high school level (allegedly). Being away from home and doing what you're told 24/7 for 10 weeks sucked, but was bearable. Getting yelled at, yelling back and strictly adhering to your superior's orders was tough (voice was gone w/in three days and didn't come back til week 6). But the coup de grace was most likely the sleep deprivation. I averaged probably 3.5 - 4 hrs a night...FOR 10 FREAKING WEEKS!!! Yes, I do not exaggerate. There were certainly nights where I slept 6 - 7 hrs (never 8 though, that'd be ridiculous). And on liberty I'd book a hotel with my rackmate Ricky Benning from Texas A&M and we'd sleep 10 - 12 hrs on a Saturday night. But for the most part, there was somewhere around 2-5 hrs every night for weeks and weeks on end. Everyone gets what's called "The Candidate Crud" for the first 4-6 weeks. Everyone is coughing, sniffling, sneezing, our voices are gone, you have a pounding headache for the first three weeks from yelling at the top of your lungs. You're pretty much broken down in every way possible. The idea is to strip you down to your core, your bare bones self and see if you have the fortitude it takes to succeed as a United States Marine Corps officer. So, while it absolutely sucked to go through it, I'm proud I finished. I'm proud to call myself a Marine.

Shipping Off Tomorrow Morning

2009-05-27T12:11:00.002-05:00

So, many of you already know, but many of you may not, I am shipping off to Officer Candidate School for the United States Marine Corps in the morning. This is my last blog until I return after August 8, 2009. My goal is to become a 2nd Lieutenant in the Marines and become a Judge Advocate General. Wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

Sweet videos of what I'll be doing.

Official webpage of OCS.

Small Bladder? No Problem.

2009-05-22T07:49:00.002-05:00

As anyone who has been to a bar with me can tell you, I frequently visit the bathroom, far more than mere mortal men.

Now there is a website devoted to combating, or rather alleviating, this problem so many face.

It's a website devoted to telling you when you can pee during a movie and miss as little as possible:

http://runpee.com/

Could Be the Weirdest Thing I've Ever Read

2009-05-21T23:05:00.002-05:00

"Miracle Mike," as they called him, was a chicken whose head was chopped off and SURVIVED! for 18 months without a head. Now there's a festival in Colorado in his honor and everything. Ridic.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #51

2009-05-20T16:04:00.001-05:00

Bringing the laptop into the bathroom will result in your legs/feet falling asleep.

Latest Bailout Request

2009-05-19T21:06:00.004-05:00

Thanks to Greg Mankiw for the pointer.

Public Service Announcement

2009-05-05T09:54:00.002-05:00

Please, please read this. You all need to pee your pants today, don't you?

From Cracked.com:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/flipping-out-in-a-kentucky-fried-chicken/

New Websites I've Been Checking Out Lately

2009-04-29T20:54:00.002-05:00

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

http://imsobadatsex.com/

http://www.fmylife.com/

textsfromlastnight has been my fav. best entry yet:

(212): dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
(1-212): idk but i think it had a face

ATM Skimmers: How to Identify One

2009-04-21T22:34:00.003-05:00

I rarely delve into consumer protection, but this article struck me as relevant and important. I was a victim of credit card fraud in August 2008 (not at issue in this article, but still) and it's been a pain in the ass dealing with it even today.

The article talks about ATM Card Skimmers. It has pictures and everything.

So, here it is.

http://consumerist.com/5218680/heres-what-a-card-skimmer-looks-like-on-an-atm?skyline=true&s=i

Immutable Rule of the Universe #200

2009-04-16T16:31:00.002-05:00

Facebooking and other ancillary/superfluous internet activity increases geometrically as time til finals approaches zero.

Okay, Okay, Okay

2009-04-15T19:51:00.002-05:00

I can barely type this I'm laughing so effing hard. Sorry if I over-bill this vid, but GAHDDAMN!

I can't tell what's the best part:

1.) The breathing is obvious and hilarious.
2.) The headphones so he can presumably "psych himself up" as a weightlifter/runner would do is subtle and clearly unintentionally funny.
3.) The fact that he washes it all down with a Smirnoff Ice Wild Grape at 4 mins. 22 secs.

Be sure to turn your volume up. This one's for you Jwayne. 40 COUNT!!!

The United State of Texas?

2009-04-15T10:17:00.007-05:00

So, the Texas Governor supports breaking away from the Union. I say, "let'em." Obviously, all federal funding will cease to the newly formed nation -- Texania(?), but we should maintain liberal trade policies and open borders with the new nation. As we learned in International Law this summer -- from the esteemed Prof. John Hopkins of Downing College at Cambridge University, Cambridge, U.K. -- when one group of people want to break away from another group, it's best to let them do that (e.g. India from England, U.S. from England, East Timor from Indonesia). Heck, the only time that pops off the top of my head that this didn't happen was the U.S. Civil War and I'm pretty sure that set our country back decades in progress and we're still dealing with the adverse effects today (See: the perverse outcomes of Affirmative Action, the insane expansion of the reach of the Federal Gov't, et al).

My suspicion is that this is all political grand-standing, however. Conservative state officials are merely saber-rattling to bring attention to the fact that they don't like the current Federal Gov't in place. It's like a stay-at-home mom telling her absent husband that she could leave, she could find someone who will pay attention to her. But that's just a threat, because she's scared to death of the prospect of having to undergo the social costs involved in finding another mate. Otherwise, she would have left him for another mate. But she knows she's not 22 anymore, so she stays with him, cuz it's still her best option. She just threatens him in hopes that he'll change, that's the best outcome for her.

The alternative argument to my thesis is this: Texans suck. They think they're so much better than everybody else. They're like people from NYC and SoCal (and not the ones that move there, the ones that are born there) except with southern accents and pick-up trucks instead of Chanel sunglasses and fake tans. Maybe they'll go through with it, and maybe they'll learn they're not so tough after all. Maybe secession will be a nice little slice of sorely needed humble pie.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #581

2009-04-15T10:13:00.001-05:00

You will lose your ChapStick before you've used it all.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #492

2009-02-24T11:32:00.005-06:00

Why is it that if you put a sock in the washing machine, it will inevitably come out inside out? But if you put the sock in the washing machine inside out, it will still come out inside out?

In mathematical terms:

f (sock, washing machine) = 1/sock

f (1/sock, washing machine) = 1/sock

I hate this almost as much as the little pools of water that sit on top of plastic cups when you pull them out of the dishwasher.

This is probably the most vexing problem of our generation.

Any suggestions faithful readers?

Rick Astley Blaring, Chuck Norris Hooligans

2009-02-20T08:55:00.000-06:00

That is all the set up this needs:

Thank Me Later

2009-02-20T07:56:00.003-06:00

You know how every once in awhile you find something on the internet that makes all the spam and pop-ups worth it b/c you found the funniest thing that ever happened on a video? I still remember finding the Grape-Stomping lady and showing everyone I knew. And who could ever forget Bubb Rubb and Lil' Sis (I literally cannot b/c my friend made me a shirt with Mr. Rubb on it)? Well, I'm pretty sure this guy Joel (not my ex-roommate, although I dearly wish this was him) is up in that echelon of internet videos.

Without further adieu:

"My name is Joel. I’m 47 married with two kids. My son is 19, my daughter 12. My wife teaches high school. I work as a reviewer of Long Term Care Facilities and other medical vendors. I like music, reading, French language, politics (left of center–but I’ll listen to any argument–got friends on the Right and the Left!). I’m not formally religious, but open and respectful of others beliefs about spiritual and philosphical matters."

Love Makes You Fat

2009-02-16T14:47:00.003-06:00

I know, it's just a tad too late for the Valentine's Day holiday(?), but there's a new study out there showing that the stronger your relationship, the more you weigh.

Basically, the more likely you are to get divorced or terminate your relationship, the less likely you are to gain weight.

They cite to some other papers that conclude singles have more incentive to be healthy and fit in order to attract a mate.

I love economics, but this one falls in the category of "No Shit Sherlock."

Don't Piss On the Urinal Cakes

2009-02-16T10:15:00.004-06:00

This morning I woke up on time for class. Made two fried eggs and some toast and downed approximately 24 oz. water and a hot green tea (another 10 oz.). Well, about an hour later I'm sitting in class and my bladder is screaming, but I couldn't leave because I was on-call today to answer the prof's Socratic b/s (for those that are interested the case was New Jersey v. T.L.O., 469 U.S. 325; a must-read for any would-be highschool drug dealers).

Anyway, I had to answer the firing squad questions all while I was about to piss my pants.

As soon as class was over, I b-lined it to the loo and had one of those "chipping porcelain" type of urinations. Well, I wasn't concerned enough with accuracy and started to hit the urinal cake. This refracted an un-Godly amount of piddle back in my direction and hit my pants leg. Funny thing was, I had just told my g/f and my friend that, "I had to pee so bad, I'm about to wet myself."

Luckily, no one was in there yet and so I just went into a stall and dried my leg off with some toilet paper. But let that be a lesson to all ye would-be Brett Favres of bladder-dumping. Don't just bomb it out there all willy-nilly with your willy. You must use accuracy and caution even under exigent circumstances.

Why I Run

2009-02-15T18:38:00.003-06:00

I realized yesterday, that every step I take on these long run days gets me a step closer to being the person I want to be.

I set a personal best Saturday by running 24 miles. My previous high had been 20 miles. By the 20-mile mark I thought, "hey, every step I'm taking right now is the farthest I've ever gone at one time."

My legs are trashed and tired. I'm dehydrated like a mofo. My face is wind/sunburned. My butt developed some sort of heat rash out there that's gonna be around for days. But I'll be damned if I don't feel absolutely great about myself.

Nobody close to me has ever run that far. It doesn't jump off the top of my head if anyone I know has ever run a marathon. I guess it's kind of rare.

Okay, enough self-aggrandizing. Ooh, wait, the best part was when I went to McDonald's for my post-run meal. I got a Double Quarter-Pounder with Cheese, Large Fries, Large Powerade, and a 20 piece McNugget (for those of you that want to know, that's approximately 2380 calories; gross).

I'm making leaps and bounds towards my goal and it's still fun at this point because I'm progressing nicely. At some point, I'm going to hit a wall in my training and it will become difficult to be motivated or to find the time (I was running for around 4 hrs and 40 mins yesterday), but right now it's as exhilarating as ever.

Barring injury, I'm confident I will finish the ING Marathon in Atlanta in 6 weeks, but that's only the first big step of the journey.

Why I've Hated the NBA Since '95

2009-02-05T16:50:00.005-06:00

A good bit of my youth was spent playing basketball. I grew up idolizing the Celtics of the 80s. Their style of team play, hustling on defense, and selflessness defined how I understood to play the game. (A funny anecdote: when I moved to Georgia and played basketball my teammates would look at me funny because I'd set picks--get this--away from the ball! They didn't know why I was cluttering around them. Dumbasses didn't know to move and create space. They just let the point dribble, drive, shoot and then they'd crash the boards. Lame.)

During the 90s a shift happened. A shift I've always blamed on Michael Jordan. Yes, he was a tenacious competitor, a tremendous defender, and went for the kill better than anybody in sports in my lifetime. I respected Jordan, but his skill level allowed him to individually dominate games whenever he wanted. Something everyone else can only dream about.

Ball players of my generation grew up watching and aspiring to achieve that level of greatness. The problem came when nobody could duplicate his style and skill level. How many times have broadcasters and anchors coined somebody as "The Next Jordan?" There will never be another player like Jordan and I wish we'd stop searching. Enter Kobe and LeBron. Both are incredible athletes, but they have their own style of play. Let's let them be who they are, because they're doing a damn fine job at that.

Now, what really irks me is the discussion we've been hearing on SportsCenter and sports talk radio shows today. "Who rocked Madison Square Garden more this week?" Who cares? Why has this league become all about individuals? There's no question the NBA has been losing ground in America's consciousness, and I really think we hate the shift from a team game to individual competion. Not only has the game centered around individual match-ups, now it's about individuals that aren't even playing against one another. Lame.

I'm not suggesting all teams pattern their play after San Antonio. Most fans don't/can't appreciate their style of play. The Spurs are the basketball equivalent of Ambien. But, my hypothesis is that if every franchise played more team basketball, we'd see better competitions. And maybe we'd start watching again.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #107

2009-02-03T20:34:00.005-06:00

Every time Jaws comes on t.v. I cannot not watch it.

Subsection (a): Whilst watching, I daydream and aspire to be nothing more than a drunken New England fisherman.

It's Time For the Cardinals' SB Drought to End

2009-02-01T14:40:00.004-06:00

I will channel all the positive ju-ju I can muster this evening for the Cardinals. I have always liked Kurt Warner and they are huge underdogs. In the last 22 Super Bowls where the point spread has been 7 pts. or greater, the favorite has covered (not just won) 17 of those times.

Now, point spreads are just a strategy of Vegas to induce equal betting on both sides. So, it merely takes the temerature of the betting public and creates a spread out of that public sentiment. I think the Cards are highly underrated and 7 pts. is too high. They are hot and there is no stopping Fitzgerald.

And I must say Ben Roethlisberger, while a decent human and quarterback, is the most over-rated player in the National Football League. They can win with him b/c their defense is insanely good. They will shut down any type of rushing attack the Cardinals can must and it will be all on Kurt Warner's arm and Fitzgerald's ability to torch the secondary of Pittsburgh.

Let's not forget the Cardinals defense that has come out of f-king nowhere to be slightly dominant in the playoffs. Third down defense has been spectacular and Roethlisberger is good pretty much only when the pressure is on. Third downs when Cards' D is on the field will decide the game (save for turnovers of course), and they will win that battle.

All bets are off if Fitzgerald/Warner goes down early with an injury. They cannot win without those guys. Pittsburgh on the other hand could win with any number of key players getting knocked out. They are the better team/more sure bet, hence the 7 pt. favorite. But I'm saying the football gods smile on us today and give us a very exciting game.

I'm picking the Cards to win.

|Cardinals| 24
|Steelers| 20

Sorry, It's Official: My Life Rules

2009-02-01T12:22:00.004-06:00

This whole economic meltdown thing has been worrying me for awhile (my IRA account lost 20% of its value from Dec. '07 - Dec. '08; luckily I'm only 27), not least of all b/c I have to find a lawyerin' job for this summer pretty soon, and, well, for the rest of my life 18 months from now. Prospects are bleak. Even top-tier students are having a difficult time, so where does that put a mediocre chap like me? Crapsville.

But, it doesn't really bother me right now. I chalk it up to my latest hobby /obsession. My calm has been enhanced. I mean, I still worry. I'm not apathetic to the situation, but it doesn't destroy me from the inside out. Ever since I was 19 years old, I started pushing to do well in school all with the eye toward getting into a good law school. Then landing a top corporate law firm position.

My LSAT score completely changed the likelihood of that plan manifesting itself. And now my grades in law school have all but put the nail in the coffin of that "dream." It's forced me to think about it (and I very well could just be justifying it to myself so I don't feel like a failure), but I'm not sure I wanted an 80 hr. per week job anyway. Yes, the money would be fantastic, and I appreciate the finer things in life, but I'm happiest when my life is simple. The salaries for those positions are high precisely because the lifestyle required to fulfill that position is utterly horrendous. Not to mention, I've effectively been weeded out of obtaining such a job. My skills lay elsewhere. I probably would struggle in a high-stress job for a lifetime. Eff that.

I feel the most fulfilled when my life is simple and I can apply 100% of myself to something. I'm on that track now. It's simple and I'm giving everything I have towards a goal. I'm happy.*

*Well, there are some snags. Like today for example, I was putting the dishes away and I realized: I absolutely hate how the water sits on top of plastic cups in the dishwasher, so you have to dry each and every one before you stack them and put them away. In a house of 4 dudes that has company nearly every day, we use plastic cups a lot. Drives me bonkers.

Now I Know Why Children Cry When They Drop Their Ice Cream On the Ground

2009-01-30T10:42:00.004-06:00

Man, I haven't been to Smoothie King since December. Mind you, it's not that I haven't tried, but they apparently keep banker's hours here in Oxford. Not to mention it's been cold as balls lately. Anyway, I finally get the chance and order a large (40 oz.) Power Punch Plus with the joint and tissue repair enhancer.

I was talking to my dad on the phone during the car ride home and had only one hand to get my stuff out of my car. So I reach out/up and put the smoothie on top of my vehicle. I grabbed my wallet, keys, straw wrapper, copy of Breaking Dawn and got out of the car. When I stepped out of the vehicle my man-girth shifted it enough to send the smoothie raining down on me and the ground. I was stunned like I had just been shot and watched as the sweet, delicious nectar spilled onto the pavement.

"MOFO!" I exclaimed, "I just dropped my smoothie!"

R.C. replied, "awe man, I feel responsible."

And it struck me like a punch to the urethral sphincter, "THAT'S MY ICE CREAM!"

If the sales lady at the open house next to ours hadn't been out there on her smoke break, I don't know that I could have choked back my emotions. I probably would have cried like a little kid who over-zealously licked his double scoop of mint chocolate chip sending it to its fiery death on the volcanic asphalt.

So, next time I see a tot commit such lacticide, I won't say, "don't worry little buddy, it's just ice cream." I'll tell him, "I know buddy, I know it hurts. It's okay to cry. Cry away."

Some Freaky Shit Is About To Go "Down" At 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

2009-01-26T15:56:00.003-06:00

Yeah, we've all heard the comparisons of Barrack Obama to past presidents. Perhaps the most apt was Slate.com's piece comparing Obama to JFK.

I say that mostly based on the fisting Barrack and Michelle do quite frequently.

I have video evidence of course.

Man With 3" Long Eyebrows Trims Them For Charity

2009-01-21T20:45:00.005-06:00

Yes, I said, "a dude with 3-inch long eyebrows agreed to trim them for charity."

I mean, how do you get to that point? What point you ask? The point where they are so long that people are willing to donate $1,600 to charity to trim them off for you! He has a wife, family, friends, a business. How in the hell did they not do something about this earlier?

One of my parents' favorite past-times is when the light strikes my father's dome just right and my mother plucks his unwieldy earlobe hairs. Heck, my roommate, my lady caller, and I used to take turns shaving my other roommate's back hair about once every 3 weeks or so. Sure, we treated it with as much disdain ("nuh-uh, I did it two weeks ago; it's somebody else's turn!") as cleaning out the schmeg that collects in your shower drain. But if you let that pile up it's only going to be worse.

I wonder how many people would donate $1,600 to not clean out my girlfriend's shower drain? She sheds more than ~~a Border Collie with an anxiety disorder~~ an aging 80s butt-rocker with a meth problem.

Anti-Theft Devices . . . FOR YOUR CHILD!!!

2009-01-21T20:41:00.002-06:00

Yeah, you read right. Go here.

Wild, crazy, wild, wacky, stuff.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #6

2009-01-21T19:52:00.004-06:00

People that are fat and/or lazy always seem to feel the need to establish that he/she is more enlightened than you with respect to fitness and exercise.

What do I say? The proof is in the pudge.

Update: A new study out last summer shows that running slows the aging process.

Pointer here from Dean Karnazes.

Sorry I Haven't Written To All You Faithful Readers In So Long

2009-01-13T20:09:00.004-06:00

My latest obsession has been taking time, but that is no excuse. So here goes, I recently read a bio book (Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All Night Runner) about Dean Karnazes the ultra-marathoner. Needless to say it was pretty inspiring. As no stranger to endurance sports, I began running again, a lot. It's only been about a month since I started back hard core and I'm doing base training so the speed is snail-ish, but I'm making great gains and have continuously achieved personal bests for distance so far (ran 20 miles on a trail run this past Saturday in 4 hours; burned 4077 calories).

In addition to my new hobby, I have been dieting 3 days per week eating a low-calorie intake. This has worked pretty well with the exercise plan and I have lost around 13-15 lbs in just a month.

I will keep pushing my body to get leaner and leaner as this will be easier on my frame for the ridiculous distances and long hours of pounding my body is about to take. I plan on running the ING Marathon in Atlanta on March 29th this year and my goal in the next 12 mos. is to finish an ultra-marathon of 50 miles or more. I also wish to complete a century ride (100 miles) on my road bike this year.

What makes me think I'm cut out for this type of insanity? To be honest, I think I was born for it: I'm patient, diligent, and actually enjoy pushing myself to the limit (it's the only time I feel truly at peace with myself, when I'm moving forward). One side of my family has a history of obesity and the other side has a history of mental instability. Couple those two things together and you have the makings of an ultra-endurance athlete. Why? Think about it, the natural propensity to carry fat will give me an advantage in storing energy for the ridiculously long efforts. And let's be honest, patience will carry you only so far, to finish you have to be a little messed up in the head. Best combo ever (thanks mom and dad!).

So there it is. Right now this pasttime is easy. I imagine once school kicks in full time or I tweak an ankle or knee, that's when nothing short of clinical OCD/perserverance/fortitude will help me prevail.

11 - 5? Sorry, Not Good Enough

2008-12-29T12:05:00.004-06:00

When I woke up yesterday morning doing my routine--um, self-inspection--I asked myself, "what's worse than two zits on your butt crack?" I would soon find out.

Now, for those who might venture a guess like, "three zits on your butt crack?" You are retarded. And not funny. Others, who know me well might say, "oh, I know. Tom Brady and Ali tearing their ACL's in the same year?" Only partial credit. What's actually worse than two carbuncles in my man cleavage is losing TFB to an ACL tear and still flirting with the playoffs with a mad respectable record, yet failing to make the postseason.

Did some research today and only 1 team in NFL history has gone 11 - 5 and not made the playoffs. However, the league only switched to a 16 game regular season format in 1978. The 1967 Baltimore Colts have the best record ever that did not make the playoffs at 11 - 1 -2.

So, the Pats were 11 - 5 and didn't make the playoffs. However, they didn't win their division (the only guarantee to make it to the post-season), so I'll buy into the argument that the NFL playoff system is fair (and utterly eons ahead of the BCS debacle that impugns its most unholy outcomes on NCAA football).

For me, it all ended in the first 7 minutes of Week 1 anyway when Boy Dreamy #12 went down. Kudos to Cassel and Bill Beeeelichick for surprising us all and making it interesting. I mean, how many teams have lost the greatest player in the history of the league in Week 1 and still put together a .6875 win percentage ? The answer may surprise you here.

And now a message from Fitzy way back in Week 2.

Nipple-Hair Mustache

2008-12-25T11:04:00.001-06:00

Yeah, it's every bit as awesome it sounds. Go here.

Japanese Website Tracks Stinky Areas Using Google Maps (?)

2008-12-10T10:21:00.004-06:00

Link here. Really?

Those Japanese sure are an interesting technology-based culture. I sometimes wonder if entire nations that are around for a long time eventually "jump the shark" (See generally France ). I lived with a Japanese guy for a few months in undergrad and he was one of the most kick-ass people I've ever met, but he came to the U.S. to study because he was so enamored with our culture and said that his was lame. I think it's too early to tell with Japan (an old-ass country that's gone and come back again) beings that we bombed the ever living hell out of them just over half a century ago, but they're on the watch list.

Notable nations that have jumped the shark:

Rome
Persia
Greece
The Oakland Raiders

So, my advice is this: watch out countries you might become parodies of yourself. I mean, could you imagine a place like the United States -- a country made great because it was built upon freedom and individual liberty -- slowly acquiescing to regulatory intrusion in the marketplace and our social lives? Ha ha, that's funny. I mean, what a tragi-comedy that would be (See Bailout, Proposition 8).

Embedding Now the Latest Emo Craze

2008-12-07T11:37:00.004-06:00

Okay, this is ridiculous. What the hell is wrong with people?

Funny line from the report, "Embedding offers a measure of comfort." Really, from what? Your lavish suburban lifestyles?

That's it, my kids are gonna be home-schooled and not allowed to watch t.v. Remember when the home-schooled kids were the socially awkward ones? Well now it's the other way around. Public school kids are getting all messed up in the head, while home school kids are winning the Heisman.

Who would you rather be the manifestation of your genetic material?

or this kid?

In Lew of Studying for Law & Economics

2008-12-07T11:22:00.002-06:00

I'm reading awesome stuff like this and I'm going to see a friends puppies.

Who needs a job in this economy? I'm gonna ride it out 'til the prospects come up.

Sorry Tide, Nothing Gets Gator Teeth Out

2008-12-06T14:27:00.008-06:00

Real quick so I can post before the game starts today. Just read this this morning:

"The Gators' first-team defense has not allowed a touchdown in five of its last six games, and they've returned five interceptions for touchdowns this season."

I'm on the jeanshorts-wearin', mullet-sportin' bandwagon today. We all know Bama will be able to slow the Florida offense down for a little while, but how in the hell are they gonna score against Florida's defense? The Gators have every bit as much speed on that side of the ball as well as on special teams.

Play is always sloppy in the SEC when two good teams collide. There's gonna be 5 - 7 turnovers today. Florida is gonna take advantage of them big time, while the Tide will convert only Field Goals at best.

The Tide is effed today even without Percy Harvin torching them for 100+ all-purpose yards. I'm taking Florida to beat the 10-point spread.

Florida 34

Bama 20

This guy loves it:

BCS Declares Germany Winner of World War II

2008-12-05T15:11:00.001-06:00

Not sure of the source here, but a funny e-mail I received. Does anybody like this system? Oh, wait, the folks making gobs of money off it. Silly me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

BCS DECLARES GERMANY WINNER OF WORLD WAR II
US Ranked 4th

After determining the Big-12 championship game participants the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests and today the BCS declared Germany to be the winner of World War II.

"Germany put together an incredible number of victories beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland, France, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Belgium and the Netherlands. Their only losses came against the US and Russia; however considering their entire body of work--including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule--our computers deemed them worthy of the #1 ranking."

Questioned about the #4 ranking of the United States the BCS commissioner stated "The US only had two major victories--Japan and Germany. The computer models, unlike humans, aren't influenced by head-to-head contests--they consider each contest to be only a single, equally-weighted event."

German Chancellor Adolph Hiter said "Yes, we lost to the US; but we defeated #2 ranked France in only 6 weeks." Herr Hitler has been criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn 'style points' to enhance Germany's rankings. Hitler protested "Our contest with Poland was in doubt until the final day and the conditions in Norway were incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional forces."

The French ranking has also come under scrutiny. The BCS commented " France had a single loss against Germany and following a preseason #1 ranking they only fell to #2."
Japan was ranked #3 with victories including Manchuria, Borneo and the Philippines.

NegBurns

2008-12-02T18:37:00.002-06:00

Apparently there's a "fashion" trend we're all missing out on.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #65

2008-12-02T14:23:00.003-06:00

You can write a research paper for months or wait until the last minute; either way, you will have that "break-through-epiphany" when it's too late to do anything about it. So, you suck it up and turn in the P.O.S. that is your paper. All the while, hoping you didn't pick a salient thesis so your prof. barely reads it and doesn't notice the gaping hole that the epiphany would have filled seamlessly.

Atlas Shrugged Revisited

2008-12-01T12:07:00.003-06:00

Anyone that's read Atlas Shrugged will probably appreciate this post. It's an update for today's financial climate.

Favorite line: "She appeared casual but confident, a slim body with rounded shoulders like an exquisitely engineered truss."

Man, that's what I could really go for, a woman built like an exquisitely engineered truss!

Posner on the Future of "Conservatism"

2008-12-01T11:53:00.002-06:00

Interesting post from Judge Posner on the future of conservatism. Alex's post in the comments aligns with my views on the subject of economic deregulation.

Redistribution of Wealth

2008-11-30T14:54:00.003-06:00

In my research for my paper discussing the Sixteenth Amendment's Effects on the Fourteenth Amendment, I came upon a terrific quote about the history of taxation:

The history of taxation from the earliest ages has been the history of the attempts of one class to make other classes pay the expenses, or an undue share of the expenses, of the Government.
Aristocrats have always been trying to shift the taxes on to the people, and the people on to the aristocrats; the landed interests on to the commercial and the commercial on to the landed. There has not been a single instance of the coming together of a community to contrive a scheme of perfect fairness and equality for everybody.

Edwin L. Godkin, "The Income Tax Decision," Nation 60 (April 11, 1895): 272.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

2008-11-27T09:47:00.003-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Be sure to gorge yourselves a few times today. Repeat as necessary until left-overs disappear.

A little history for anyone interested.

And for a little turkey fun, here.

Ahh, Home Crap Home

2008-11-25T12:06:00.003-06:00

So, I left Mississippi Saturday morning to return home to Georgia for Thanksgiving break. Ma made mozarella sticks and buffalo crispers. Got home in time for the drubbing Oklahoma laid on Texas Tech and all was right in the world...until 2:37 a.m. when it all went horribly wrong.

I received a phone call from a close friend at 2:37 a.m. I promptly hit ignore assuming it was just a random drunk-dial from my friend who I had not seen since January of this year. I fell back asleep only to be awoken again by people talking loudly in the cul-de-sac. I peered through the blinds and saw a white SUV parked. Two people were talking quite loudly for 3:30 a.m. and they began shouting at me.

"Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Are you f*ing serious?!" one of them put articulately (we'll name him 'Some Duder' for now since I did not know who he was).

I couldn't hear the other individual, but he clearly wasn't acquiecsing to the other's inquisition. At this point, I checked my cell phone and saw I had a text message from the same friend that called at 2:37. This message, delivered at 2:13 a.m., read as follows: "im outside your house."

So, I gave said "friend" a call to see if he made it home okay fearing he was seriously intoxicated. When suddenly Some Duder starts making like Brock Lesnar on the side of the white SUV. My friend answers his phone, while Some Duder just kicks and punches the heck out of the vehicle.

My friend says, "what's up?"

I ask, "what's up with you? Were you at my house earlier--what the heck is that noise?"

He replies, "somebody is banging on my car. I gotta call you back."

Well, the bangs I hear on the cell phone correspond perfectly with what I was witnessing in the cul-de-sac. I didn't recognize the white SUV because my friend was driving a rental due to the fact that he got t-boned just a week earlier (not his fault).

After his rage, Some Duder approaches my parents house. At this point I walked to the top of the stairway to see what he was going to do and had 911 at the ready. Some Duder rings the doorbell once. He leaves, but I didn't see which way he went.

I text my friend asking who that guy was, to which my friend replied, "some dude who lost his shit."

Well that doesn't explain anything. So, I text back, "this is unacceptable, get him the f*ck off my parent's porch. Do I need to call the police?"

"He's drunk and unpredictable, but I don't think he's that crazy."

I went back to my bedroom to look through the blinds. Nobody was out in the cul-de-sac and the white SUV had all its interior and exterior lights off. I figured my friend had been taking Some Duder home, they argued about something, then Some Duder just walked home and my friend tried to catch up with him and explain himself. Wrong.

I laid back down for about 40 minutes and was awoken by my brother knocking something over in the bathroom at around 4:00 a.m. Again, I looked through the blinds just in time to see a Dodge Ram pickup hauling ass up the street towards my parent's house. Some Duder got out of the driver's side, hopped up into the bed of the truck and pulled something up that was long (looked like a bat or a crowbar). Some Duder proceeds to walk over to the white SUV and pound the ever-living hell out of the windshield. Promptly I dialed 911. Some Duder was done after 4 - 5 whacks. On the phone with dispatch I described the event in real time. As Some Duder was walking back towards his truck, my friend got out of the white SUV! He had passed out in the driver's seat and was in the car while Some Duder was destroying the Enterprise vehicle.

It took the cops approximately 15 - 20 minutes to respond to my call. I alerted my parents and I just waited in the living room for the police to ask me what I had witnessed. Much to my surprise, they told me not to cover for my friend. They said he was drunk and his story didn't make any sense. They accused him of bashing his own car windshield with a tire iron that was laying out on the side of the car and accused me of lying to cover it up. WTF?! Are you kidding me? Are you f*ing serious? So, they question whether or not I actually witnessed another person do the damage. Once I told them I was a second year law student, they eased up on their hasty accusations and tried to make sense out of it.

After their initial prognosis of the scene was inaccurate, they completely failed to do a proper investigation. You can see shoe prints on the side of the car where Some Duder was kicking it that completely do not match those of my friend. I witnessed another person actually do the damage, but they wrote me off as a liar. They did not question any of my neighbors (one of which actually heard it happen, then saw as the Dodge pick-up was driving away).

The cops were just pissed because they couldn't bust my friend for being drunk, drunk driving, and beating his own car, so they phoned in their investigation and failed to do their jobs properly.

I still only have one side of the story and what I witnessed, but my friend tells me he was at a bar with Some Duder and some other people. They left before last call and drove to my house (I'm guessing to hang out with me since I came home for break). My friend hit a curb outside of my neighborhood and popped the tire. They tried to fix it in my cul-de-sac but were too drunk to do so. At that time, Some Duder wanted to ask me for help or to give them a ride, but my friend refused to wake me and my parents up for that reason. Some Duder got mad and kicked the door a few times.

He must have phoned a friend or his wife to come pick him up and that's when he went to town on the windshield.

So, that was my first night home on Thanksgiving vacation. My parents are so happy to see me.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #42

2008-11-20T12:05:00.001-06:00

Drinking only leads to good things...except when it doesn't.

Law Professors Are Monday Morning Quarterbacks

2008-11-20T11:27:00.004-06:00

So, I've been working on a paper that's due tomorrow criticizing a Yale law professor's argument about redistributing wealth (hence, I really shouldn't be posting to my blog right now, but this just hit me and it will better the world to get it off my chest). And I notice a common thread among all the academic papers I come across.

All these law review articles I've been reading criticize the Court one way or another for argumentative and intellectual mis-steps. Always ending with something like, "so you see, Roe v. Wade was improperly decided. We should only allow extra terrestrials to perform abortions, not other human beings because that'd be murder!" Or, "FDR was such a genius. By disregarding the Constitution's mandate of Seperation of Powers during the 30s and 40s, we not only got out of the Depression as quickly and efficiently as possible, but he laid the groundwork for such awesome government entitlement programs that will self-sustain forever like Welfare, Social Security, and hopefully--now that The Chosen One is taking office--Socialized Health-care. *crosses fingers!!!*"

My point is this, law professors are just Monday Morning Quarterbacks. They're Sean Salisbury, Steven A. Smith, Skip Bayless, Keith Olberman, Sean Hannity etc. They didn't have to deal with the difficult decisions faced by these judges with the knowledge (often times limited) and resources as they faced them. They also don't have to hack up their opinions in order to compromise with the 8 other brilliant and ideologically diverse members of the Court.

Now, what the law profs do is necessary. We may come across these issues again in the future, and in order to progress, a little retrospection and learning from our mistakes never hurt anyone (G-Dubbya, I'm staring in your direction).

But, while these profs like to pat themselves on the back every time they get published because they are so enlightened, and we peon law students try and chip away at their Ivory Tower of Intelligentsia, it helps to remember that they write things every bit as ludicrous as this:

All Kinds of Funny

2008-11-18T09:54:00.002-06:00

A hilarious chain of e-mail gaffes from Slate.com's Justin Peters.

And remember: "Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like nobody's watching."—Robert F. Kennedy

The Brain Map of a Liberal Democrat

2008-11-17T22:24:00.000-06:00

Thought this was funny.

It's Official, Obama Announces Plans to Nationalize First Organization

2008-11-17T13:02:00.003-06:00

In an interview with 60 Minutes last night, president-elect Obama stated he would "throw his weight around" to create a college football playoff system. While I am in favor of a playoff system, I utterly oppose anyone in the Federal Government using their seat of power to effect this change.

I mean, how ridiculous would it be to nationalize the NCAA (National Collegiate Athletic Association)?!

(Pointer from ESPN.com here.)

Ron Paul Speaks the Truth

2008-11-17T11:51:00.001-06:00

Here's a butt-load of comments from Freakonomics readers and Ron Paul's answers.

Pay attention to what the man says, our future depends on it.

Clooney Rails About Prop. 8

2008-11-13T10:24:00.004-06:00

File this one under the heading of: Who Gives a Shit?

Note to celebrities: Shut the fuck up. Nobody who matters seriously cares what you think. Yes, you are citizens and thus have the right to voice your opinion on political matters. However, just because you have an auspicious pulpit from which to speak, does not mean that what you have to say carries any weight or validity. I've written about this before:

May 13, 2007
So, I heard Green Day's latest "Working Class Hero" about a week or two ago. Didn't listen to the lyrics until this past Thursday. What kind of egalitarian, populist crap is this? I'd say they took about as much risk as Toby Keith when he wrote/sang "American Way" after the September 11th attacks. And let's be honest here, Green Day sold out the year the Expos got hosed, but still. Then I learned that it's a cover of the song written by John "Karl Marx" Lennon. Too bad Lennon didn't live long enough to see the fall of the Soviet Union. Too bad he didn't listen to any reputable economists.

This is an unfortunate side-effect of a free society. We allow entertainers to achieve stratospheric levels of celebrity and status. Long enough in the public eye, they start to become politically "active." We listen to the misguided policies they tout and falsely assume the talents that have made them popular to be testiment to their regulatory acumen.

Inequality and turbulence are a small price to pay for material progress. Like Joseph Schumpeter, one of the most accomplished and honored economists in history notes, "The capitalist achievement does not typically consist in providing more silk stockings for queens, but in bringing them within the reach of factory girls in return for steadily decreasing amounts of effort."

Who are factory girls if not working-class? Capitalism benefits those on the lower rungs of society.

*For the record, I am pro-Gay rights. There is no reason people should be restricted in declaring whom their benefits should go to. This is a flat-out violation of Equal Protection of the laws guaranteed by the Fourteenth Amendment. If marriage is a religious institution, then I'm okay with those institutions defining it however they wish. However, the benefits afforded to same-sex couples should not differ from their hetero-counterparts. And if marriage is a legal institution it cannot be narrowly defined.

What's the World's Most Addictive Substance?

2008-11-12T12:02:00.003-06:00

According to two of the world's best economists: people.

Lame, and probably wrong.

The link here.

Take THAT Elitists

2008-11-11T12:17:00.002-06:00

A good post on "Intellectuals" from Thomas Sowell.

Bank Robber Escapes on Inner-tube, Later Foiled by DNA Evidence

2008-11-11T11:58:00.005-06:00

This bank heist is just too good to be true. The suspect posted a Craigslist add for work and asked that all candidates wear a certain outfit. The suspect then made the robbery wearing the same outfit. Suspect later escaped on an inner-tube, but got nailed on DNA evidence from his chewing tobacco. Amazing.

Immutable Rule of the Universe #384

2008-11-10T19:55:00.002-06:00

Itchy assholes and volleyball do not mix.